He doesn't ask me to dance (anymore). Why?
This questions comes up in various forms all the time so I figured it's time to address it.
There are some guys who used to dance with you but they don't anymore. You don't know why. Where are some possible answers.
1) There are some guys asking you to dance at some events and not at others.
a) It's probably not about you, it about about them wanting to dance with other people more, maybe people who only go to those events.
2) There are some guys who used to dance with you but they stopped dancing with you at some point.
a) You may have offended them. You may have said "No" in a way that was more offending then you think.
b) If they were dancing with you when you were a beginner and now they don't anymore even though you are better, maybe there are some things you do or you don't do which bugs them too much. They tolerated that when you ere starting because they were hoping eventually you will correct it, but they probably lost hope or patience. Try to remember what they probably mentioned at practicas repeatedly, you are probably still doing or not doing that. If you suspect this is the reason, approach them at a practica and say something to the effect of "Listen, I need your help with something. I'm trying to identify what to work on next and I would like your opinion". Since you are not actually asking them to dance, it's a pretty safe way to go about it.
c) If they asked you a few times and then never again, the reason may be similar with the one in the paragraph above. Same suggestions too.
d) you may have slipped of their radar, very possible in a large community. Get back on their radar (see below).
3) There are some guys who NEVER asked me to dance
a) You may not be on their radar, very possible if the community is larger. Get on their radar. Ask a common friend to introduce you, make small talk when you can. Ask their opinion on something at a practica.
b) You may intimidate them. Same suggestions as above.
c) You may (appear to) have some dancing habits they can't stand. Same suggestions as for 2.b
Hope this helps.
4 comments:
What about the beginner leader who is tolorated by the more experienced follower but who then ditches the follower who danced with him while he was learning to be better. Friendships established in early formative years don't mean much in the tango world... and that is too bad.
Well, that is unfortunate but it happens. For me, as I got more experienced, I developed pet peeves and strong preferences. People I used to like dancing with, I don't anymore. I dance with people for two reasons, either I like dancing with them, and/or I'm helping them get better. If I don't like dancing with them and I don't think they are progressing (or they are progressing in another direction), why would I dance with them?
Maybe the follower who is "ditched" can try to figure out what is it that stops him from dancing with her, and work on it.
I would never expect a follower to dance with me if she didn't enjoy it. Regardless on how much she (thinks she) owes me.
There is another type of leader who really gets off on introducing newer followers to the dance, and when they get better, and are dancing a lot, he does not ask her anymore. Maybe he is afraid now that she has grown, that she will notice that he has not.
P.S. If someone is my friend in the formative time, they stay my friend in the tango world.
Good to know just where one stands with you. Perhaps you will learn one day just how wrong one can be about strong preferences...and how closed and small one can become under these guidelines.
Post a Comment